There’s this passage in the Bible I am really fond of. First Epistle to the Corinthians, Chapter 13: When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, and got the internet, I unwillingly saw tons of horse genitalia. I might be paraphrasing a little bit but the spirit of it is there: the World Wide Web can be a terrifying place. But it doesn’t have to be. There is non-horse entertainment out there, and it can be as simple as scavenging around with Google’s Image Search for people who sort of look like famous cartoon characters. Such as:
1. Peter Griffin (Family Guy)
Extraordinary. Who would have thought that somewhere out there, among the nearly 7 billion people of Earth, there might exist a fat, middle aged, white guy with glasses wearing a white shirt and green pants? I don’t know about you but my mind has been blown so hard I feel I can’t look Google in the eyes anymore. No, you know what? This is just too unbelievable. I am thinking that this guy is a wizard of sorts. Or a shapeshifter (or worse, a shapeshifting wizard!) Let’s find and stab him with some silver to be sure.
2. Lois Griffin (Family Guy)
I’ll tell you why I like this photo. As a morally upright young man whose sexual deviances do not extend beyond dominatrix midgets covered in kiwi pudding, I never found cartoon characters “sexy.” So it was always hard for me to understand the metric ton of Lois Griffin pornography out there, or why was she such a desirable character on the show. But with this pic – yeah, I can sort of see it. The fiery red hair, the whole suburban soccer mom thing going on with her… And best of all, she does not look as if she was constantly stoned like on the show! That’s always been a deal breaker for me.
3. Meg Griffin (Family Guy)
Fine, fine, last Family Guy photo, I promise. Still, this one I also kind of like because it explains so freaking much. If you’ve been keeping up with Family Guy because like me you enjoy pretty colors and moving pictures, you know about the show’s hatred for Meg. But why? See, the problem with Meg is that they made her out to be your average teenager. No reason to hate or despise her. But this picture up there? Shit, that is the loser the show has been trying to sell us for all these years. Well ring me up guys, ’cause I am buying it (then locking it in the car and setting the car on fire).
4. Lion-O (Thundercats)
In case you do not recognize the abomination on the right – that’s Carrot Top, the semi-famous prop comedian, somewhat popular in the 90s. Yeah, since losing his foothold on the world of standup he apparently decided to turn himself into an insult against God himself. Lucky for me the end result happens to sort of look like Lion-O, the fearless leader of the Thundercats. What are the Thundercats, you ask? Get out of my sight you worthless excuse for a human being.
5. Mr. Satan (Dragonball)
If you used to be a kid not that long ago, you know Dragonball, and you know Mr. Satan. Everyone else can just skip over to the next entry, you’re not welcomed here. The similarity here is quite uncanny but what’s really interesting to me is the story behind this picture. I imagine a solitary anime fan riding the subway, probably furiously touching himself semi publically through a hole in his pocket like all anime fans do, I am sure, when he looks up and sees Mr. Satan sitting in front of him. He then takes a picture with his cell phone. I am pretty sure that’s exactly how it all happened and it had to be magical.
6. Jessie and James (Pokémon)
We’re going to have a few cosplay pics from now on, so consider yourself warned. OK, everybody who knows me (like… the liquor store guy I guess? I mean we do talk basically every day) knows that it has always been my dream to legally hunt people who dress up as anime characters outside Halloween. But this particular set up I don’t mind, because it’s so close to the original that I am half impressed. The other half of me wants to see what these two would look like while shocked with a car battery though. I wonder why that is…
7. Misty (Pokémon)
Hey, don’t look at me like that. I found this picture. I know it’s some random cam whore trying to arouse internet losers by dressing up as a 12 year old girl, but what?! Do you think I got this picture from my secret porn stash hidden inside Program Files/MSN/Back-up.zip which is protected by a 20-character password? Is that what you’re thinking? You’re ridiculous.
8. Ariel (The Little Mermaid)
This picture makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. On the one hand, I do appreciate the effort and bravery it takes to sport a costume which renders you virtually immobile. That’s some real dedication to your weird, sexually deviant obsession. On the other hand, this picture keeps reminding me of the age long Mermaid Paradox. If I were to be put on an uninhabited island, would I want a classic mermaid with me, or a reverse one (top half fish, bottom half human). That’s some deep existentialist bestiality this picture is forcing me to think about, and it makes me sort of hate myself.
9. Shaggy (Scooby-doo)
BUAHAHAHAHA, oh God, no, no, this has got to be shopped. Life is just not that good for me, it just isn’t. Come on, if this thing up there was real, it would fit into the cartoon so perfectly! It would definitely explain everything I ever suspected about Shaggy. Constantly surrounded by Daphne and Velma and not showing even an inch of inclination towards either? Bullshit! I knew Shaggy had to be getting some action from someone though, because no amount of pot could make you lose your libido that much. Hmm? Oh yes, he totally did smoke pot. Why do you think Shaggy was so hungry all the time?
10. Plank (Ed, Edd and Eddy)
*Ba-dum-tish*
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