5 easy ways to dump your girlfriend

Do you believe in never ending love? Have you ever thought that some day you’ll find a sweet girl who’s going to be a perfect wife for you and you will live happily ever after with her? If the answer is yes, then… I’m sorry, but this article is not for you. You’re a hopeless romantic and break-ups are like foreign languages to you: weird and scary.

This is for the rest of us, real guys who know that there’s a certain moment in any relationship when you just get bored as hell by your girlfriend and you start asking yourself if you should leave her or not. If you’re about to break up with your girlfriend… we’ve made a small guide with a couple of easy and creative ways to dump her. Simple as that.

1. Tell her you’re Gay

One of the easiest methods to go back to your wild single life without receiving stressing calls, tears and stuff after you’ve just broke up is to tell her you’re gay. Be confident, bold and really proud when you’ll say that. That’s the key.

The Good part: She won’t feel totally rejected so, if you ever feel like you need to “try women” once again, she might be around and go for it because she is doing this for a good cause: to bring you back on the right way. She might even start introducing some of her hot girl friends to you because she probably thinks you’re harmless now.

The Bad part: She might say she always wanted to have a friend like you who understands her and listens to her stories about boys, make-ups and tampons. That’s just weird, if you ever hear that you can do only one thing: RUN!

2. Invent another woman

Another easy way to dump your girlfriend is to change the name of one of your friends from your phone and to pretend you’re hiding something when he calls you. If she’s like most women from this planet, she will become really suspicious and it’s all downhill from there. There’s only one step to breakup. If she asks you about it, just act dumb and say one of your friends must have put it in your phone as a joke.

The Good Part: You’ll  look like dandy when someone asks you why you broke up with her.

The Bad Part: If you don’t leave the room as soon as you broke up, you might need some days of medical care.

3. Forget about everything

Forget about her birthday, forget about your anniversary day, about everything that really counts for her. This shouldn’t be too difficult since it’s a known fact that men usually don’t even remember things like these.

The Good Part: After you forget about her birthday she’ll probably leave you immediately because that’s something that no woman would accept.

The Bad Part: She will think you’re an asshole, a douche and so on and she’s going to tell all her friends what she thinks about you so… you probably won’t have too many chances with her hot girl friend after you’ve broke up with her like this. But hey, who cares about this when there are many other girls out there who don’t know your ex?\

4. Release the inner-pig

Stop taking showers, shaving yourself, being polite or anything else that now makes you look like a nice guy. Fart in public places with her, throw away your perfume and drink and much beer as you can and then call her when you’re almost passed out.

The Good Part: Not only she will disappear pretty fast from your life, but also any other guy or girl around you who’s pretty annoying will probably go away. You should tell your close friends what’s your dirty little plan though, you don’t want them to leave you as well.

The Bad Part: there’s a small probability that you asphyxiate in your sleep from your newly found smell.

5. Use the internet

Easiest method in the book. I think Facebook was first invented as a tool for dumping girlfriends. Start sharing likes and comments and messages with the hottest girls you have on your Facebook, post photos with them on your profile and so on. Make sure to keep your relationship status to “single” or change it to single when you’re ready to leave your girlfriend. That’s more than enough to start a fight.

The Good Part: From all those girls from Facebook, one of them might quality to be your future girlfriend.

The Bad Part: There’s a small chance that the girl you’ve just picked up on Facebook might be a  fat, bald, desperate guy. Caution.

Bloody Women

Hey girl, are you date-worthy?

Confused why Mr Right drifts apart from you just when you were hoping he is about to pop the question? Do you sound even a tad like these universally dreaded women listed below, who lose their date-worthiness due to their irritating habits? Read on and see if it is time for change.

Miss Baggage
She tells you it’s all over between her and her ex, you saw her cleanse her cell, mail box, house of everything that could remind her of him. You gave her enough time and a shoulder to cry on until it ached. You were confident she’s completely gotten over her past when you proposed. And yet, she can’t help diving back into her past, if only to talk about how hurt she felt when he fractured his knee. Your irritation and doubt is understandable when she repeatedly turns gloomy listening to a sad romantic number. “In her mind, she is comparing you with her ex. The relationship will sustain only if you are better that than guy,” says Madan. 

The Manly gal
She thinks it’s cool to act like a guy, use nasty abuses, and mocks women who seem ‘ladylike’. She makes sure she never lets you carry her luggage, open a door for her, pay her bills or pull a chair. If you suggest you want to come along as she leaves for a late night assignment, she tells you it’s an outdated idea. There’s nothing wrong if a woman is utterly independent, but don’t complain if romance feels like a deflated tyre. “She is dominating by nature and will be happy with someone effeminate, who would always tow her line,” says Dr Vohra.

The High Maintenance Babe
Her self-worth doubles in her own eyes with each Gucci, Prada and D&G that comes under her possession. She gives you a disgusted look if you ever take her to Mc Donalds as only fancy restaurants in the fanciest five star hotels make her happy. Pray for your safety if you happen to suggest a quick bread omelet from a roadside dhaba. Her swooning over your NRI friend’s Lamborghini is capable of making your loyal Honda City feel like a khatara auto. “Luxury is her weakness. She won’t mind graduating to someone with a fatter bank account,” says relationship expert Jai Madan.

The crybaby
Boss pointing out her folly, neighbour’s cat eloping with a stray tomcat or a joke that wasn’t meant to target her, signal her tear glands to get into action. And if you thought it was a trivial matter to cry upon, you are branded insensitive. “Such women need to grow up mentally. Take the plunge  if you are willing to play ‘Daddy’ all your life,” says  psychiatrist Dr Sandeep Vohra.

The perennial ranter
Her mission in life is to crib and argue about everything that’s unfair. She rants with unrelenting enthusiasm and loves to thrust her views on others. It’s true that corruption, filth, rapists, red tapism etc etc ail our nation, but is it any good talking about it non-stop all the time? You may have happily accompanied her to the Anna Hazare demos but tell us, how would you feel if you discovered she is thinking about the Jaitapur agitation while you’re making love? “She is looking for a perfect world. Meeting her parameters may be tough,” says Dr Vohra.